The grass is *always* greener

So I found out recently that a close friend of mine got my dream job. At the place where I have adjuncted for the past 5 years (on & off). While teaching there, I suspected that an opening would happen soon as one of the two poetry profs was close to retirement. The plan was to get my shit together & have a kick-ass application. Of course, I had a few detours along the way (one of them being a new mama). The thing is, I didn't find out about the opening until my friend told me that he got the gig. There's that saying: Jealousy rears its ugly head. Well, Jealousy basically consumed me whole. And what's worse is that I love this guy, I really do. And he's the best person (if not a tad bit overqualified) for the gig. So why can't I be happy for him?

Well, for one, I am territorial. This I know. I mean, when I hear about friends from different circles intersecting, meeting each other without me, I get all worked up. I'm possessive. It's terrible. But I also know this is rooted in my experiences growing up, my need to cling for fear of being left (behind, alone).

So here he is, all up in my spot where I teach. With a FULL TIME TENURE TRACK gig.

There are a few things going on here. First, he's in my space - a space I have claimed, on some levels, as mine. Second, he's got the dream job - a job that anyone in academia salivates for. This puts him ahead of me in the career race. I am falling behind. Third, he's got his first book due to be out this fall. I'm not even close to landing a book deal. I am falling behind in this, the writing career, too.

So where does that leave me?

Looking over the fence to see how much greener the grass is. Green with envy.

BUT, there is hope. Sort of. Though, right now, it doesn't make me feel better. One of my close girlfriends (who also knows this person) tried to put it into perspective. She said that there are many people who want to have a family more than a career & can't; that I still have time to get my writing thing on, the teaching thing on, whereas we don't have forever to have families. She said that I'm fortunate to already have started my family. She also said that pragmatically speaking, it would just be too hard to have to care for my baby AND deal with a new job. She's right, of course. On all fronts. It also helps that she's looking at my grass & seeing just how much greener it is than hers (she's getting married next month & feeling impatient about starting a family... given our age).

When it comes down to it, though, it's about family vs. career, right? And is this really a question that men have to honestly contend with? No.

*sigh* Guys suck.

So yeah. This is where my head is today.